Random Thoughts

Saturday night, the last night of the turkey day weekend...

I've basically had two weeks off from school, and where as most people would be extactic about that, i'm frantic. Prolly because I stress about shit that I shouldn't but mostly because i've realized something...

It's great to see family, and the fact that i'm only 3 and a half hours away, i may take that for granted, having said that. I miss school, I miss my friends there, my girl friend, and pretty much everyone I know. It sad to say that most of the stuff back home isn't the same. I've seen my best friends only once, and the haven't seen the other ones at all. I haven't seen the people i should have for as long as I should have. It's strange. I'm the only one away from home, and the only one who can't drive to someone's school for a weekend party. I don't know what the future holds, but I know what the past has brought. It's brought changes, a lot of changes.

Now I find myself wondering, one and a half years from graduation, what's next. Will I stay together w/ my girlfriend, because I want to, will i come back home? will I go to grad school? How will I make money.

I've been blessed w/ an opportunity to play college sport, and I love every minute of it, but soccer is wearin' me down. I don't care so much about it as I used to. Maybe it's because i'm too wrapped up in school and other things at school to truely enjoy it. It used to be my release. Now, not so much. Most people would kill for the oppertunity that I have here, and I'm not taking it for granted, not by a long shot, but still, it's wearing on me, mentally and physically. It has caused me to lose some friendships that i didn't want to lose.

So on a cold Novemember evening, I've realized this. Life is short, and things change. Things will always change, and I guess after twenty something years on this earth, i've realized that you have to role w/ the punches and take the changes as they come. It's not easy, anyone can tell you that. But it MUST be done. So from here on out, i'm going to relax as best I can and enjoy life in college as a twenty something kid!

Sorry for the rambling thoughts, but I needed it... Peace to all!

Desperation #9

Desperation

She was strikingly gorgeous, with curves that any woman would kill for, and blonde hair so luminescent you would think angles were singing cherubic choruses any where she went. Jen was what every young boy dreamed about when they pictured their ideal girlfriend. With a combination of brains and beauty there was little wrong with her. Jen had nothing to hide, she was gorgeous!

However, she didn’t always believe it. Sometimes she needed to be reminded. That’s where I come in. You see, I am the one person on this earth that can make Jen realize how beautiful she really is. With all the ugliness that Jen found in the world, I was the one shining light.

This isn’t something I asked for, nor is it something I’m proud of; it’s hard to live up to these expectations. Quite possibly the most difficult thing in this world is to be someone’s everything. To have so much pressure, to have to be perfect in someone’s eyes is impossible, but that was my task. I had to remind Jen that she was perfect. The idea of failure is something that was crushingly heavy on my heart. If I’m not perfect, even for a second, she might lose all hope in anything good.

Two years ago I almost committed such a tragedy. In fact, I was so sure that I could never get her trust back that I drank myself into a blur. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, all I did was drink, and drink heavily. Being someone’s everything is no easy job, and I would never wish it on my worst enemies. However, to redeem yourself in the way that I did is the single greatest thing any human being can do.

After my mistake, and my subsequent alcoholic period, I got my act together. I picked myself up from the gutter of disappointment, and started the long road of redemption. Ten dozen roses, and countless boxes of chocolate candies and teddy bears later I was not only on Hallmark’s VIP list, but I had won back the woman I thought I lost.

That first kiss after all this shit happened was the best moment of my life. So over whelmed with joy and excitement I went nuts. I ran all across campus and ended up in Liles hall. Decked out in my winter parka, sweats and all, I jumped into the shower. I stood under the flowing water crying. I cried for the hell I had been through, and the Heaven I had been welcomed back to. That was the greatest night of my life.