Monkey Sphere

Okay, I know we covered this in class ages ago, but this seems an appropriate time as ever. One of my close friends, whom I've fallen away from is in the hospital, with a similar problem another one of my close frimes, whom I've fallen away from also had. It deals w/ kidneys but I won't go into that.

Both of these people I met at different times in my life, and now I'm begining to understand why I met them when I did, but that doesn't make this time any easier for me.

Anyway, this may seem kind of narrow minded, or might seem like a simple conclusion for others to come to, so if bare with me.

I went to a grade school (grades 1-8) that was relatively small for the area I live in. there were maybe three hundred kids, if that. And while i was there, the only real pain, or real life problem i encountered was trying to fit in. No one's parent's got a divorce, at least none that I knew of at the time. So I grew up kind of sheltered from "bad things".

I went to a similarly small private Catholic high school. I ran into the same things everyone in high school faces, drugs, alcohol, sex, and my horizons began to expand. I was faced with personal difficulties of trying to fit in, and figuring out who i wanted to be. That's where I met one of the people i mentioned above. However, her problem didn't arise until later on in college. Still, I began to meet people coming from "broken homes" and divorced households, but nothing like I would encounter later on.

Going to a Catholic high school, which by the way is my denomination, I was still surrounded by people who believe similar things, so nothing was really "new" to me.

Then I came to LMU, where I met the other person mentioned above. I won't go into details, out of respect for both of us, but we've had a great, then rocky, then healing relationship. It has been hell on me in the last few months. Acctually, about the last year and three months. I mean HELL! I've made mistakes I'm not proud of, and all of these lead up to my point about our monkey sphere.

Maybe we're afraid to expand our monkey sphere because were afraid to. We're afraid we might acctually be cabable of hurting someone who truly cares about us, and like wise we are afraid that someone we depend on to be there for us might abandon us in our time of need.

I sat in a hospital room tonight, and my wit, and sarcasm, and my normal "funny" nature left me. I saw someone who depended on me, and I let them down in the worst way possible. If this was the first instance, I wouldn't be so hard myself, but twice now I have fallen away from people because I couldn't bare to be the pillar of strength they needed. Hence, I don't like meeting new people, because there is this fear I have that I can't be what they need.

I have to say right now, that I hate hospitals, they remind me of nothing but pain, sorrow, and things that I really want to forget about. But, like tonight, every time I'm in one, I see the same three people laying there, helpless, doesn't matter who the person acctually is.... I see the same three people.

This overwhelming fear of letting people down, this fear of hurting those close to us keeps us, or at least me, from wanting to expand my group. I thought I was a strong person until tonight, I'm not. This confident, cocky, and sometimes arrogant young man is nothing more than a snot nosed, scared shitless kid.

Very seldomly am I speechless, ask the people who know me, I'm usually the one cracking jokes and always having something to say. I couldn't say a damed word tonight, nothing. I tried to be funny, it didn't work. I couldn't forgive myself for things i've done in the past, not while i was standing there watching this helpless person who I know i've crushed.

That's why i'm afraid to expand the "monkey sphere". I've never really cared about getting hurt, it's easier for me to fix my borken heart than to heal someone's i've broken. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I think it may be too late....

Collage Sports and Money

I read an interesting article today in Sports Illustrated. It talked about the money of a major Division One athletic program, the Ohio State University, and it really made me think. It seems collage athletics is more so now than ever about money. Athletes are exploited by many athletic programs to make millions of dollars by selling appearl emblazed with the athletes name. However, the athletes see none of the money from the sales.

It's true that athletes in Football, and Basketball, the major Division One sports, recieve tons of benefits, from full scholarhips (free education), to tutors, to tons of free gear, but is it really a fair deal? There are a lot of people who may not understand the stress that college athletes go through. They see these people as the kings and queens of their respective campuses, but what they don't see are the closed-door meetings with coaches and players in which they are told that their precious full scholarhip is being withdraw or reduced because they did not perform as expected. Also, with the stress of a full load of classes, and a full-time job of practice, extra training, and travel for games, it is becoming increasingly difficult for these young men and women to graduate in the 4 years that their scholarship covers. So what happens after the four years is up? Are the athletes covered for that fifth year so they can complete their degree?

You also must look at the programs athletes are shuffled into. Most are taking classes in majors they have no interest in. The obvious exception is Ohio State Quarter back Craigh Krentzle who majored in Molecular Biology during his four years at the Horseshoe, all the while being a two year starter for the Buckeyes, however, most athletes cannot claim the same success. In an age when winning is everything, athletes are put into the easiest classes with the lightest work load so they may increase their practice time.

Poor graduation rates are something that have plagued many Division One programs throughout the years, so isn't time that we took a step backed and asked what collage sports are really about?

Leadership

One of the things that is frequently mentioned in our expedition on second life is leaders, not necessarily pertaining to SL, but more so to WOW, and guild leaders. I learned a hard lesson in leadership today, well actually over the past few days, and I wasn't ready to talk about it until now. Mainly because I wanted to see how it was going to work out.

Well lets just say being a leader is like being kicked in the nuts repeatedly. I can honestly say that I hate being looked at like a leader. People may see a strong confident man on the outside, but inside, I'm shitting myself. I'm always second guessing myself, and I hate making people mad, although I've been told several times, and in many different phrases that it comes with the territory.

I was asked the other day why I'm so involved and wrapped up in things, and the only answer I could give was that I need to be busy, and there is a simple to desire to step up to the plate when no one else will do anything about the situation.

Anyone who says they enjoy being a leader is lying. No one enjoys being a leader, I guess all I can say is that some people are willing to put themselves on the line. The next question then is how do you command the respect of those you should lead? The only way I can think of doing that is by being fair, and honest. If you compromise your integrity, then you have compromised the trust of those who follow you. I try to keep that top of everything if I'm placed into a leadership situation.

So to sum it up, being a leader can suck, but someone has to do it, and in order to do it well, you must be fair, confident, and trust worthy!