Monkey Sphere

Okay, I know we covered this in class ages ago, but this seems an appropriate time as ever. One of my close friends, whom I've fallen away from is in the hospital, with a similar problem another one of my close frimes, whom I've fallen away from also had. It deals w/ kidneys but I won't go into that.

Both of these people I met at different times in my life, and now I'm begining to understand why I met them when I did, but that doesn't make this time any easier for me.

Anyway, this may seem kind of narrow minded, or might seem like a simple conclusion for others to come to, so if bare with me.

I went to a grade school (grades 1-8) that was relatively small for the area I live in. there were maybe three hundred kids, if that. And while i was there, the only real pain, or real life problem i encountered was trying to fit in. No one's parent's got a divorce, at least none that I knew of at the time. So I grew up kind of sheltered from "bad things".

I went to a similarly small private Catholic high school. I ran into the same things everyone in high school faces, drugs, alcohol, sex, and my horizons began to expand. I was faced with personal difficulties of trying to fit in, and figuring out who i wanted to be. That's where I met one of the people i mentioned above. However, her problem didn't arise until later on in college. Still, I began to meet people coming from "broken homes" and divorced households, but nothing like I would encounter later on.

Going to a Catholic high school, which by the way is my denomination, I was still surrounded by people who believe similar things, so nothing was really "new" to me.

Then I came to LMU, where I met the other person mentioned above. I won't go into details, out of respect for both of us, but we've had a great, then rocky, then healing relationship. It has been hell on me in the last few months. Acctually, about the last year and three months. I mean HELL! I've made mistakes I'm not proud of, and all of these lead up to my point about our monkey sphere.

Maybe we're afraid to expand our monkey sphere because were afraid to. We're afraid we might acctually be cabable of hurting someone who truly cares about us, and like wise we are afraid that someone we depend on to be there for us might abandon us in our time of need.

I sat in a hospital room tonight, and my wit, and sarcasm, and my normal "funny" nature left me. I saw someone who depended on me, and I let them down in the worst way possible. If this was the first instance, I wouldn't be so hard myself, but twice now I have fallen away from people because I couldn't bare to be the pillar of strength they needed. Hence, I don't like meeting new people, because there is this fear I have that I can't be what they need.

I have to say right now, that I hate hospitals, they remind me of nothing but pain, sorrow, and things that I really want to forget about. But, like tonight, every time I'm in one, I see the same three people laying there, helpless, doesn't matter who the person acctually is.... I see the same three people.

This overwhelming fear of letting people down, this fear of hurting those close to us keeps us, or at least me, from wanting to expand my group. I thought I was a strong person until tonight, I'm not. This confident, cocky, and sometimes arrogant young man is nothing more than a snot nosed, scared shitless kid.

Very seldomly am I speechless, ask the people who know me, I'm usually the one cracking jokes and always having something to say. I couldn't say a damed word tonight, nothing. I tried to be funny, it didn't work. I couldn't forgive myself for things i've done in the past, not while i was standing there watching this helpless person who I know i've crushed.

That's why i'm afraid to expand the "monkey sphere". I've never really cared about getting hurt, it's easier for me to fix my borken heart than to heal someone's i've broken. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I think it may be too late....